Quick lessons on what not to do in life

Just as asking a government employee to do something before or after lunch, morning tea, or afternoon tea can get you in trouble, there are other things you should never do either:

1.       Never protest when others think you are drunk, insane, stupid, or angry. You will only confirm suspicions.

2.       Never admit that your business projections are theoretically sound but based on chaos theory. Not everyone loves those butterflies.

3.       Never present the bride or groom at a wedding with a book on divorce law. Save it for after the honeymoon.

4.       Never eat a samosa with a knife and a fork no matter how many years you’ve spent outside South Asia. You will be forever ostracized for this blunder.

5.       Never make martinis with Benadryl unless you’re out of both gin and vodka.

6.       Never use a lungi in place of a bed sheet. I don’t care how short you are. It just doesn’t work.

7.       Never accuse a cadaver of pathological lying.

8.       Never tell a camel-trainer that you have trouble “getting over the hump” at your own workplace.

9.       Never eat sushi at a Chinese buffet. Trust me on this. Just don’t.

10.   Never admonish a pineapple farmer for going after low-hanging fruit. They are not a forgiving kind.

11.   Never use a brand of shampoo that mentions that users should “avoid contact with eyes, skin, and hair”.

12.   Never ask a fan of Vikram Seth’s “A Sweetable Boy” if there is a zero-calorie light version unless you have an hour to spare. Life is just too short.

13.   Never refer to brain-freeze as sphenopalantine ganglioneuralgia if you ever want to be invited to any real non-medical party.

14.   Never use the phrase “there are many ways to skin a cat” at the Humane Society.

15.   Never take seriously any advice given by unknown bloggers.

© Text: Anirban