New products that every Indian needs!

I am as lazy as the next person, so when Telesky Shopping Network comes on and the TV remote isn’t within foot-length, I sit there and watch the commercials touting products with religious and cultural overtones. In previous posts, I’ve come up my own versions of Rudraksh and Nazar Suraksha, but these products only augment existing ones. What we really need are innovative products that can be marketed to desis with disposable incomes.

Now, I’d like to present a few product ideas that won’t need much marketing. I’m pretty confident that these sell themselves. I don’t know why you would be reading my blog if you have any money to invest. But, if you do please drop me a line and we can work out licensing of these products.

1) Soul-purifying Deodorant:

Tired of the nasty odors that cling to your soul as you go through the day cheating, stealing, and lying to others? Well, you’ve come to the right place then! Atmasaaf™ roll-on soul-purifying deodorant will purify your soul with one application to the armpits  after your daily bath. Long-lasting protection with our proven formula fights evil auras and bad karma for up to 24 hours. No need for costly and time-consuming daily mantras, vaastu, or visits to holy sites. You’ve taken care of your atomic smells, not deal with your atmic ones.

Available with a fragrance consisting of the combination of the proven soul-cleansing ingredients of pancha gabya or milk, curd, ghee, cow urine, and cow dung.

2) Vedic Dentistry:

Fed up with the twice-daily chore  of flossing and brushing? Bills to the dentist piling up when you fail to pay attention to your molars? You too can obviate the need for proper dental hygiene using Vedic Dentistry, a concept we have trademarked as the Sanskrit-sounding Daantestree™.

Just as dipping in the Ganga is known to wash away a lifetime of transgressions, gargling with our patented mouthwash whenever you have a toothache, unwanted plague buildup, or gingivitis will  get rid of dental problems. Your breath may smell like rotting flowers and corpses floating in the Ganges, but you should be safe in the knowledge that “your teeth will last as long as you fast ™”!

3) Extrasolar  Astrology:

Traditional Vedic astrology or Jyotish-vidya gives you only nine grahas or “planets” including the sun and Rahu and Ketu, which frankly are so-called “celestial positions” which no one really understands. Even with the recent demotion of Pluto from planetary status, we think it is still unfair to customers not to have additional planets to chose from. At least 450 extrasolar planets have been identified and all of these impact your life. Did you know that marital discord is the result of TrES-3 in the fourth quadrant?  What we offer now is the ability to predict your future accurately based on accurate charts using these extrasolar planets. Now, for a limited time, avail of these services included in our Extrastrology™ package for the introductory price of 101.01 USD.

Please note that our charts can be interpreted only by our trained astrologers and scientists who are now independent consultants. Act now and for a limited time you’ll get both a CD and a printout of your own accurate chart!

Postscript: I came up with two out of these three ideas on Twitter, but I felt that I needed to expand to include a full-fledged advertising campaign. I’m hoping to make this a regular series too.

On another note, if you liked my last post on corporate lingo, check out LEB’s post on what a manager says and what he or she means.

© Text, 2010-2012, Anirban


23 thoughts on “New products that every Indian needs!

  1. Your take on the tele marketing system is unique or should I say our ageold, unscientific believe is such a very medium to exploit average Indians, that anything we try to sell with there reference will be sold without effort.

    1. Thanks for stopping by, Shubhankar. You are right. When unscrupulous people want to sell something they usually prey on fear of the unknown and deep-set superstitions.

  2. I would like one of each please … overnighted !! I think I like the deo the most !! You know I am just as lazy. I have sat through so many of these HSN products it is insane. Thanks for the ping back.

  3. Excellent ideas, and what a coincidence that just this evening I was flipping thorough my portfolio and wanting to move around some excess funds. Infomercials are mesmerizing and made me LOVE this woman, “Kathy Mitchell” sort of a modern day down home gal that just us regular folks can relate to.

    Watch and learn, and I dare you to try and watch for only a moment…it’s impossible to stop:

    I’d like a desi version of her, since I have curry fever. $ ready to invest!

    1. Thanks for sharing. There are some very persuasive people in those infomercials. Last year on the US CNBC, I think the Shamwow cleaning towelette was voted the top infomercial. Of course, Billy Mays was pretty good at those ads too. Take care.

  4. YOU are amazing…Lol.Thou art the blessed one…creative and funny…deadly combination.
    Hahaha!! Atmasaaf, Daantestree…should remember it too well.
    BTW FASTING CREATES MORE PROBLEMS…something to do with the empty stomach creating these gases that give you what i have given the nomenclature of ‘Fast Halitosis’…don’t beleieve me then next time stand close to someone who has done Nirjalaa Upwaaas and you will know. 🙂
    Anyway loved yours now and also LEB’S earlier which i don’t know who echoes whom.:)
    In today’s lingo i wish i knew the ZULU or the Bantu but YOU GUYS ROCK!!

    1. Thanks for your praise, Shivani. You are too kind. I think it is my turn to do another post on the “corporate world” and then I hope LEB reciprocates.

      You are right about fasting as well.

      Best wishes.

  5. Brilliant products and am sure there will be many takers 🙂
    I for one will definitely try out Vedic Dentistry..sounds so divine 😛

    Read your post and LEB ‘s post as well 🙂

  6. I want that deo now…Please consider my order as confirmed..I will also check with my mamma if she wants that extra solar thingie 😉

    LOLZ…Sarcasm, wit what not…Way to go Anirban

  7. Oh I must get some of the soul purifiers!! :)))) These people must think that we are fools. Or maybe we really are. If they’re advertising, that means there is a market filled with dumb people. By the way, I was surfing channels the other day, and I think they managed to rope in Lord Shiva for sales promotion.

  8. And your wit is back, shining and full of splendour! 😀

    Hehe, good read. Looking forward to the full-page advertisements. You could make it like those tele-ad type of things. Don’t be afraid to go over the top a little bit! 😀

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