Why your New Year’s resolution to lose weight will fail

Happy New Year. Welcome to the Tenties. Are you one of the gazillion people who resolved to lose weight this year? Well, you will fail and there is a scientific reason why you can’t lose weight.

Sure, there are a few lucky ones who will lose weight in 2010 and keep it off. Maybe you bought some cans of Slim-Fast in 2009 and forgot to return them when Unilever announced the recall due to possible bacterial contamination? Drink those and you might actually slim faster. Nothing like dysentery to loosen up the innards and cause acute weight-loss.

Of course in 2010, some of us will diet and actually gain a lot of weight instead. Who knew that eating whole four-legged animals for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, while skipping carb-rich rice and bread wouldn’t keep love-handles at bay?

Those are the fringe elements. This year most of us will diet and neither gain nor lose any significant amount of weight. And there is a perfect scientific explanation for this. The explanation comes from physics (which has given us the Large Hadron Collider and antimatter which are very useful in our daily lives). And because the explanation involves mathematical formulae you know it has to be true.

You may remember something called simple harmonic motion from your high-school textbooks. If you don’t, I envy you; you were probably having some fun back then (unlike some of us).  Well, simple harmonic motion is like a Mexican wave, only way more boring to watch. Know what else is like a Mexican wave? Weight!

Weight gain and loss follows a simple mathematical function know as a sine wave. This year, every time you eat like it is your last meal, you will gain weight until you hit a maximum threshold weight. Then, if you have  parents who ever made you feel guilty about anything, you will start dieting until you feel marginally good about yourself. Of course, it will be time to feed the face again. And so your tussle with weight control will continue ad infinitum.

As a function of time (t) you can express your inability to lose weight with the following formula:

You don’t need to know what any of that means, just trust me. I’ve given you a perfectly scientific reason why you will fail to lose weight this year, regardless of how hard you try. And now that you know the truth, let it set you free!

Q.E.D.

© 2009-2011, Anirban

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2 thoughts on “Why your New Year’s resolution to lose weight will fail

  1. Well, I agree. So I have not made any resolutions this year and I will also confess that i am slightly on the healthier side. But considering the fact that its impossible to lose weight, is their any way of not gaining weight this year? Is there no hope ?!! I hate waves and signals.

    • Haha… good point on the waves and signals. I think if you can get interfering signals that disrupt the wave (either on the downside or upside) you should be fine.

      Thanks for reading!

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