How to write your own biography in Wikipedia. From the renowned author of “Deconstructing Quantum Sufi-Yoga”

anti-brickbats, because I said so, culture, desi, globalization, godmen and fraudmen, How-to, human nature, Indian culture, Q.E.D, technology 5 Minutes

Last night, the benevolent god mahi-mahi came to me in a vision and instructed me in a mix of Urdu-sounding Hindi, Hindi-sounding Urdu, Klingon, and C++ to form the Khudbakhud Uttarvedantic Wikipedia Society, a charitable organization exempt from US federal income tax under section 501(c)(3). As you know, articles in the online encyclopedia Wikipedia are among the top hits in internet search engines. The goal of our tax-exempt Society is to create our own biographies in Wikipedia and pass off to family members, jealous colleagues, prospective employers, and random, uninterested Facebook friends as evidence of our great standing in science and letters. In this guide, I will lead you in the art of creating your very own personalized Wikipedia autobiography.

One way to get on Wikipedia is to to actually do something worthy of recognition. You could write a bestseller or come up with a major scientific discovery and the world would most certainly notice. Someone would write a Wikipedia entry for you. But let’s be frank. I’m writing a blog and you’re sitting here reading it. Frankly, it ain’t gonna happen for either of us. Fortunately, Wikipedia is written by people like you and me, and so there are tons of mediocre people (just like you and me) who are writing their own over-hyped articles on Wikipedia as we speak. And even if you did have the talent to do something worthwhile in life, why would you take the trouble anyways? It is much easier to become notable through Wikipedia than to become notable and then get on Wikipedia.

Here are the steps to creating your own autobiography on Wikipedia:

Step 1. Start websites with legitimate-sounding domain names. In the mafia, you need a shop to act as a front. In the web popularity game, you need to get your name out on Google by posting comments with your name on as many websites and blogs as possible and starting a few fake websites of your own. If you’re a scientist, write about how great you are on your fake website New Sceintist, which sounds a lot like New Scientist. Steal html templates if you can. If it looks similar, it is just as good. Most people can’t read, so who will notice?

By getting your name out in cyberspace, you’re increasing your hits on Google, a primary index used to determine if you’ve done anything worthy of Wikipedia.

Step 2. Make a list of important-sounding fake publications. This is the most important step. If you’ve ever written anything in life, you need to put it on Wikipedia. For example the essay you wrote on the cow in primary school should be written up as A post-modern analysis of the sociological and economic importance of Bos indicus var. dudhwali in the South Asian subcontinent. Anything will do, but you will need to use words such as “deconstruction,” “post-modern”, “quantum”, “paradigm”, as well as a smattering of South Asian keywords (preferably with religious connotations). That way later if your article is tagged for deletion, you can always challenge the Wikipedia editors. If they dispute the South Asian part, tell them they are perpetrating colonialist stereotypes. If they attack the science, appeal to the art. No one on the planet understands both Derrida and Bose-Einstein statistics.

It is as easy as 1-2-3. Follow my example. By putting some very esoteric words in the title of this article, I am enhancing my own reputation as a pundit. Web aggregators will pick it up and soon enough I will be known as an expert in Deconstruction, quantum mechanics, Sufism, and yoga. Repeat after me: “I am as smart as I fake myself out to be”.

If you haven’t done anything creative in your life, then use the approach of making up something extremely important. For example, say that your magnum opus is A Long History of the World (Vol I-XX). Always use Roman numerals for volumes and throw in some French or Latin if possible. If challenged to produce your work, say that it was originally written in a now-extinct Andamanese dialect and that the editor is being a racist, Eurocentric pig. If you’re a woman, claim to be the poor victim of a male-dominated society. You can’t lose!

Step 3. Create an account on Wikipedia. You’ll need an account to look legit. Without one, editors will flag your IP address. Choose something distinguished such as Rabindranath_Tagore or S_Radhakrishnan and put an embellished resume up on your page. For example, if you know that Achtung is not the sound of a German sneezing, mention on your page that you have native-level comprehension of the German language.

Step 4. Find a list of editors you can win over. For the most part Wikipedia is edited not by professional experts, but by hobbyists who know all the levels in Tekken, but not which side of the bread is buttered. Win them over by commenting on their personal pages. They don’t have money, power, or social lives. I mean, why else would they write for no recognition or money?

Step 5. Make some very basic edits on other Wikipedia articles. If the first thing you do is to write your own article, people will get suspicious. Do some very basic copyediting on one of the thousands of incomprehensible articles on the site first.

Step 6. Steal the template for an existing high-quality Wikipedia article on someone you admire. Wiki-markup is easy, but stealing is easier. Take an article written about a famous person in your discipline and use it as a template. It will have all the category tags built it and it is as easy as “plug and play”.

Step 7. You are who you want to be, so write creatively. Journalists are very good at this, but everyone should be instinctively good at using weasel-words. Use “many”, “most”. and other non-specific words to blast across how awesome you are. As you write, think carefully. If you ever sent your flop book to someone, say it was “well received” (omitting the fact that the postal service is efficient). If your mother really liked your painting, say “many experts found it breathtaking in scope and originality.” If you know multiple languages, then use non-Roman script for your works. Again, you are working on the vanishingly small odds that there is someone who is both a polymath and a Wikipedia junkie.

A final word of advice  for those lucky few in positions of power. Get your employees or students to do the work for you. Say that you are just about to work on their annual performance review or grade their test papers. You’ll be surprised at how common people who don’t deserve to be on Wikipedia grovel just to keep us celebrities happy!

© Text, 2010-2012, Anirban

Published

179 thoughts on “How to write your own biography in Wikipedia. From the renowned author of “Deconstructing Quantum Sufi-Yoga””

  1. Holy Cow! (that’s what I don’t mean to say) That’s just so damn bad!! lol. The easy bad, actually. I’d create a Squidoo page for myself rather than creating a dumbo Wikipedia page with all the sucking fake things.

    But anyway, made me laugh all way to the end. By the way, Anirban, you said you work in writing industry. What do you do?

    Reply

    1. It isn’t a problem with Wikipedia but with anything on the web. How much of it is reliable?

      I saw some “bad apples” in Wikipedia and thought to myself all the apples should be bad. 😉

      I actually have a Wikipedia account myself. I used to do a lot of writing, now I use the blog to vent on random stuff.

      http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/User:Antorjal

      Reply

  2. LOVE these parts:

    *Repeat after me: “I am as smart as I fake myself out to be”.

    *If you ever sent your flop book to someone, say it was “well received” (omitting the fact that the postal service is efficient).

    Brilliant! 🙂

    Reply

      1. Anirban-ji, It’s merely a means to pad my upcoming wiki bio. 🙂 Actually, the blog is a wealth of superficial fluff only, my specialty. 😉

    2. I am Satender Singh
      A command man of India.

      Dream that one day our country

      become Golden BIRD again……

      Reply

  7. It is positively alarming how detailed you have got with your instructions.

    You don’t happen to have a wikipedia page in the works as we speak, do you?

    Reply

  11. Hey just wanted to say that Dont thank me yaar, coz i read it because i love your blog and the way you add that humor thing in a subtle way..Its my pleasure all the way Sir 🙂

    Reply

  14. Excellent and funny Anirban! No I do not have a Wikipedia article yet. And I should not need to “fake” anything: I am a well-known musician and musicologist, and in a particular field my books (1st one 1978, last one this year) have sold and keep selling very well and have scarcely any competing works. They have also got very favourable published reviews in specialised magazines.

    Yet those books are conspicuously absent from the 20-odd Wikipedia entries related to my field, some of which I find really amateurish. Most attempts to have myself or my books mentioned in those articles have failed: there is a Wikipedia editor that deletes my additions saying they are “self promotion”, while inferior and obsolete works are instead repeatedly quoted. Eventually, I published this as a scandal in an online forum, where a senior Wikipedia writer read my post and promised to intervine, asking me that I wrote a few corrections to those articles and suggested including my books under “Discussion”. I did. Nothing happened. The editor did not answer any of my subsequent emails. I gave up. Here and there in the field of musicology I find excellent articles … and also abysmal ones, some of them well-known among musicians for their ridiculous statements. A pity.

    Kind regards

    Claudio

    Reply

    1. Thanks, Claudio.

      I am sure you are a well-known musician and musicologist as you mention. I was actively involved in Wikipedia from 2004-2006 and contributed a number of original articles during my time. The English Wikipedia is very US-centric. One of the reasons I left was that the nature of the discussions on topics that had little coverage on the internet was very negative. I found myself constantly having to explain the importance of issues that many administrators did not find important to them.

      On the other hand, there are thousands of articles that are nothing more than advertising.

      Best wishes to you.
      Anirban

      Reply

  16. Excellent sense of humor. But in all seriousness, I’m still making the occasional cash on Wikipedia articles I write for clients who want to mold Wikipedia to their liking. Jimmy Wales hates me for this. I offered to do it all above-board, in the open, but he couldn’t live with even that, so down underground I went.

    Reply

    1. Good for you. For an encyclopedia which claims to be objective, it should hardly matter who writes the darn article. The focus should be on the content meeting their much-vaunted criteria.

      Reply

  17. Wait, you created the Joint Forest Management article? I vaguely remember using that in an Environmental Studies Project in school few years ago, This is, of course, before I knew the unreliability of Wiki posts :p

    Hilarious post by the way, love it! 😀

    Reply

  18. I was searching for some info on the whole Wiki admin process thing. Guess I found something a bit more interesting than what I was looking for then 🙂

    Reply

  19. I used to contribute to Wikipedia as well! But somehow never got to observe things like you mention in the post or in the comments, perhaps cuz the kind of articles I used to get involved with very different. I gave up on contributing/editing cuz it was becoming a self-destructive obsession with no fixed end-point so to speak of. I’m happy I could come out of that addiction. I’d started contributing out of sense of obligation that I could not make use of all that infomation & knowledge without giving something in return. And in the same spirit, I am and will remain grateful to all those who make information available to others with no incentives, the way we think incentives to be.

    Nice to know you’ve been a Wikipedian as well! 🙂

    Reply

  20. Hi,anirban…awsome,brilliant…cant stop laughing till da end… I appriciate ur understanding abt wikipedia which claims to be da online encyclopedia…bt ur sacasm in a funny tone…made da ugly truth so funny…cant wait to read all ur other articles…:)

    Reply
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  27. I satisfied for the way of writing personal biography of an individual on wikipedia. But it is very hard way of getting chance to write it. Eventhough i dont know the reason that made it to be long procedure to achieve.

    Reply

  30. Akash Sonker is the play back singer of Indian Music,Soul and Blues
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  35. Am j.tunes am an artist.but I wanna creat my own I.d on google so people can know me very well N my picture will be shown everywh
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  50. Learned a great deal from this article and hope I am able to get myself added to Wikipedia without lying, stealing or begging someone else to do it for me at my suggestion. The good news is my accomplishments are plenty so it’s likely to occur.

    Reply

  54. There are simpler methods,like adding wikipedia to your name,for example ‘vivek narain wikipedia’.Using this name every where in web, say twitter or imgur or whatsapp or in comments on wordpress blogs.

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  57. I took time to read through your post, and i find it very interesting and informative. Thanks for sharing, i really benefited immensely from it.

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  73. BIOGRAPHY OF FINEX BABY…………….. Chiwendu caleb chibuike was born in the year 1997 in abia state in the city of umuahia ubakala oyimo he,s father give birth to four children two boys and two girls as the last child he sterted as a singer in their church as he was growing he left nd he turnd as a sreet boy he joind a group known as ACT CITY ENTERTAINMENT after than he relised his first track at the age of 15 nd his child hood frends bento single nd nerstel relised thers in the year 2015 bento finex nd narstel they grew up as brothers nd they where looking what they want which is to ne like others they also looked for a name to answer which finex brought as riders. He scholled at evangal high school old umuahia

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    1. Moses Igbagri was born on the 6th 9th 1996 in a village of taraba state called Dan Anacha gassol local government, but from cross river state as a state of origin. He attended government day sec school Garba Chede. And conpleted his sec sch at the age of 15 as a science student

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  76. Adam Doctor he was a great man populeted between Nijar, chad, kemerun and Nigeria. He is populer in every state in Nigeria, especialy Borno and Kano, his family are in everywhere.

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  78. Adamu saidu enagi is a person from niger state edati local government the headiquater at the town of enagi, is a good guy and most inteligent scientist by name enagboy,he finish from model primary school enagi in 2009, after that he went to shiroro local government that is kuta town which he attend his junior secondary school which is bodo secondary school at the kuta town, he now went to bida to attend his senior secodary at government collage bida he graduate there at the town of bida.

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  88. Hello! The same applies for the bio on your company’s website. If you’ve been asked to write your own, think of a client who will visit the office. What should he know about potentially working on a project with you? By the way the best paper writing service that I saw: http://speedypaper.net/

    Reply

  95. Aw, this was an extremely nice post. Finding the time and actual effort to create a very good article… but
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    Reply

  97. Am a Ugandan by nationality born from kasese district and konzo by tribe.Graduate of St. Lawrence University. I like making friends and like playing cricket and football yet am a gal. Am funny i love travelling to new places. Am a christian and love God.Am the second last born of five children.We are all educated.

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  98. I really like the point about using the wikimarkup from another article, that could really come in handy. My biggest problem was writing in an encyclopedic manner and eventually decided to go with a paid editor. I found lots of useful information out there, plus this helpful post from a paid writing firm.

    Reply

  102. Dj Vandal Chief aka Murena Rabudzi Born South Africa 1995 September 01 The form South African Hip Hop Rap, Actor and DJ Member Of Black And White Market

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  112. Your methods as briefed above are sufficient enough to serve the purpose. But most of those steps mentioned didn’t clicked my mind. Kind of puzzled i am as to what to do next. I request you to send me a brief mail jotting down precisely the points mentioned here. That would be kind of helpful. ☺

    Thanks and regards,
    Umair

    Reply
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  122. THE BIOGRAPHY OF ZAHARADDEEN LAWAL DAN-MUSA.
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  123. my name is dadir hero full name abdiqadir harun shukri
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  125. My name is Tyohungur Aondover was born 5/JULY/1997 from Tse_Kyanyon Mbater Ugondo Logo LGA Benue State. MY EDUCATIONAL ASSPECTS. Tyohungur Aondover start his primary school in 2004 at LGEA primary skul Tse-kyanyon and graduated in 2009 and he step further 2 JSS1 in 2010 till graduated in 2016 at Gboko International Sec Sch Gboko and he kep on hiz carreal and did his Diploma in General Computers at Barnamfel Information Technology Institute at Gboko,Benue state. MARITALT STATUS Single

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  128. I’ve been wanting to do something extraordinary all my life. I’m a pop musician from Nigeria. Looking forward to seeing my name on Wikipedia.

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  130. Tyohungur Aondover popular known as {Herezy} i was born in year 5th July, 1997 at Tse- kyanyon mbater ugondo logo LGA Benue state.
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  131. Tyohungur Aondover popular known as {Herezy} i was born in year 5th July, 1997 at Tse- kyanyon mbater ugondo logo LGA Benue state.
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  132. nigerian singer,and songwriter Oloruntobi Boluwatife Seyi,known by his stage names {boluhyno}and hyno,is a nigerian singer, and songwriter from ondo state.he performs in both english and his native language yoruba,in englis language,the name {boluhyno}is out of the first four letters shortened form the name (boluwatife).he was born on the 26th of 3rd 1998 in lago state in niperia,in school he listened to various genres music, and performed in school activities,he developed his music skills by emulatinm musician like wizkid,kiss dianel and 2face.as for back as when he was in secondary school,boluhyno was already performing at various school activities,hardly knowing he was m a path to great things.he always want to be a musician,and he developed his music skill by listening to music legends.follow on twitter @boluhyno

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  142. my name is paul odinichi i’m a twin, my twin brothers name is peter odinichi, egiliga and onyisi we are from delta state [ndokwa west local government area. we are talented by singing, we started singing at the age of 12 years and visiting studios at the age of 18 years and our music name is 2vice

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  150. BIOGRAPHY OF AHMED MUSTAPHA HASSAN TONG
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  155. Hassan M Lawan was born on 25th November 1998 in Maiduguri Borno state and he was Babur by tribe from Hawul local government were he also attend his Nursery, primary and junior Secondary school in A.K Benisheikh staff Model school Maiduguri and then move to senior secondary in Dala Standard private school Maiduguri and graduated in 2015 then also move university of Maiduguri in 2016 were he was admitted into department of Arabic and Islamic studies and he is also a script writer in Kannywood and also. script supervisor

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