What they say: The raw data is in the graph next to the results…
What they mean: I hope the graph which has n=9 and error bars convinces you what I’m saying is true even though no one believes me.

What they say: A very interesting talk. In our lab we’ve shown…
What they mean: I don’t believe you.

What they say: On the left is a representative gel showing an experiment we performed…
What they mean: After getting a graduate student to run this experiment a hundred times, this was the only gel that turned out presentable.

What they say: These were very hard experiments to perform…
What they mean: Don’t even think about competing with us, and if you do, these results are not reproducible.

What they say: To the best of our knowledge…
What they mean: We were too lazy to do a proper literature review.

What they say: This is my last data slide.
What they mean: I am over time but also technically correct when I say that this is my last data slide. The next five slides deal with the conclusions, broader implications, future directions, and acknowledgments.

What they say: The implications of this study are profound and have the potential to influence cancer drug discovery.
What they mean: The implications of this study are profound and have the potential to get me a good postdoctoral position.

What they say: How much time do I have left?
What they mean: I know I am over my allotted time by twenty minutes, but this ploy always gets me an extra ten minutes.

What they say: I think we’ve set the stage now and we’re actively looking opportunities to commercialize our invention.
What they mean: I think we can get a patent out of this, but I have no clue how an actual commercial entity works and what they look for in potential products.

What they say: I’m happy to share the source code and reagents with anyone who is interested…
What they mean: I am happy to share this source code and reagents with anyone who is interested but not before we’ve milked them dry for additional publications and conference abstracts.

What they say: This slide represents five years of work done by a graduate student in my lab, Wong.
What they mean: This slide represents nine years of work done by a graduate student in my lab, Partha.

What they say: I see you’re reading my poster and I won’t bother you, but if you have any questions let me know.
What they mean: Screw you. My Principal Investigator would only let me come to Hawaii if I presented a poster.

What they say: Do you want me to run you through my poster?
What they mean: Do you have twenty minutes to listen to me talk about my work without making eye-contact while assuming that you already know the background of my work?

What they say: I have a comment and a question…
What they mean: I have neither a comment nor a question, but I am a tenured windbag. I have a timeshare and am close to retirement.

What they say: I have a question with two parts…
What they mean: I have five questions with seven parts for each.

What they say: No, we haven’t gotten around to doing those experiments. But certainly those are ones that we were planning on doing.
What they mean: No, we haven’t gotten around to doing those experiments. And frankly, we hadn’t thought of them before either.

What they say: That is a very interesting question…
What they mean: That is a lame question. Were you Reviewer 3 who had the particularly harsh comments on our manuscript?

© Text, 2010-2012, Anirban

I’ve dressed up and dressed down more than I care to remember. In an earlier part of my life, I was in an academic environment. I was pretty much a blue-collar scientist: my collars would literally have been blue from the Coomassie Brilliant Blue stain I used to stain proteins (had I worn collared shirts, that is).

Maybe you’ve seen TV or print ads with sharp scientists in spotless white-coats in high-tech labs pipetting blue samples into gels ? My lab coat would probably make a National Register of Antiquities. Most days, the t-shirts with mad scientist witticisms picked up at scientific meetings smelled of organic compounds such as phenol and chloroform. The jeans I wore had distinctive holes from acid-washing glassware. My well-worn sneakers reeked from all the chemicals we worked on and spilled on the lab-floors. In my lab-life. If I ever wore a collared shirt and tucked it in for work, I would get greeted with snide comments like:  “why are you dressed up today? Are you getting married?”

You can imagine how like a fish-out-water I felt once I was expected to actually dress like a presentable human.

For the benefit of those thinking about making a transition to a corporate environment, I’d like to provide some pointers (primarily geared towards men).

The suit: You will soon be able to judge an office-goer by the quality of the suit he (or she) wears as well as the rest of us do, but until then, go with someone who actually wears suits for your first suit purchase so that you don’t buy something which looks a tent from The Sword of Tipu Sultan. Some of the Jordanian suits are well-crafted, but remember that a Giorgio Amman isn’t the same as a Giorgio Armani. As a guideline, if the trousers and the jacket are of the same color, you’re fine. If they’re different colors you’re also fine since you can call the jacket a “sport-coat.” Don’t make the mistake of wearing a jacket and trousers which are close but not the same exact color.

The dress-shirt: Hair-shirts are inappropriate for most corporate environments. Invest wisely in a couple of nicely-fitting dress shirts. Do not wear an intricate ‘check shirt’ which is as visually appealing as a line graph created in MS Excel. Wear a conservative shirt without logos or words unless you are interviewing to be a bouncer.

A word about collars: collars are usually sufficient to keep dogs and office-goers subjugated. I personally prefer the spread collar since it is a known fact that it exudes corporate confidence. You may not know what you’re talking about, but everyone will acknowledge that you are a pundit if you wear a French-collar shirt. Finally, unless you have a personal valet or extra fingers on the back of your hand, make sure you’ve got the cuff-links assembled before you show up for work.

The tie: Don’t wear ties with distracting designs such as Escher motifs, animals, or anatomical parts. Make sure your tie goes well with your shirt and your suit. Also don’t wrap it around your neck like a scarf from a Mithun Chakraborty dance-routine – actually tie it into a knot.  I like the fat Windsor knot, which goes especially well with the spread collar.

Shoes and accessories: As a rule, if the shoes are uncomfortable and sound like falling pots and pans when you walk, they are suitable for work. They should also be made of the hide of an animal and be of the Italian made-in-China variety. Make sure your shoes go well with the rest of your ensemble especially your belt (which shouldn’t wrap around your torso multiple times like a snake). Don’t carry a purse if you’re a man.

General appearance: Ladies, don’t dress like you’re going to a wedding or to the beach. The color of your face should match that of your neck. Make sure your eyebrows are visible unless you’ve recently undergone chemotherapy. Avoid using fragrances which attract honeybees.

Gentleman, don’t dress like you’re going to a kabbadi akhara or to pick up a random stranger from a disco. No lungis. Hair should not be protruding from visible body orifices. If you can’t shave, dress one pay scale above what you normally do. Use deodorant.

Final thoughts: Copy those who you admire shamelessly.

© Text, 2010-2012, Anirban

The summary of the manuscript is here and has been discussed in accessible terms by Maryn McKenna. A number of concerns have been voiced in various outlets and I’m discussing some here.

1) The first concern is that the naming of the plasmid enzyme as New Delhi metallo-β lactamase and the gene as bla_NMD-1 are malicious. However, this type of strain designation is not uncommon in microbiology. In fact, the location where the strain is most likely to have originated is quite often used. For example, the most common metallo-β-lactamase enzyme (which confers resistance to antibiotics) in clinical isolates is the VIM-2 β-lactamase named after Verona in Italy where it was first isolated. Incidentally, Italy did not lodge a formal complaint anywhere (as far as I know) after it was discovered. I’ll discuss why India chose to do so when I get to the third concern.

Additionally, there are other diseases and pathogens named after locations as diverse as Marburg, Germany; Ebola, Congo; and even the Rocky Mountains in the US. No one ever blinked as far as I know.

Now, some information on the history of the NMD-1 strain is warranted. The first case using this designation was discovered in the middle of 2009 in an article published later in December. In other words, the strain was named a year to six months before the Lancet Infectious Diseases paper at the center of the current storm came out.

In the earlier article, the case history of the first patient harboring a bacterial strain with NMD-1 was provided.

In November 2007, [the patient] traveled to India and on 5 December was hospitalized in Ludhiana, Punjab, with a large gluteal abscess. In December 2007, he was admitted to a hospital in New Delhi, where he was again operated on and where he developed a decubital ulcer. On 8 January 2008 he was referred to Örebro, Sweden. During his stay in New Delhi he received amoxicillin (amoxicilline)-clavulanic acid, metronidazole, amikacin, and gatifloxacin (all of them parenterally). Clinical isolate K. pneumoniae 05-506 was derived from a urinary culture on 9 January 2008.

It is this clinical isolate that bore the plasmid with the infamous NMD-1 strain. While it is formally possible that the patient picked up the infection during his flight back to Sweden, knowing what we know about the bacteria that harbor it and how it spreads nosocomially in susceptible patients during operative stages, it is very likely that it was picked up during the patient’s operation and hospital stay in December 2007 in New Delhi because the patient simply had not had an operation after that date in any other location. In light of this information the hue-and-cry over the naming is overblown.

2) The second concern is about a potential conflict-of-interest. This has been treated as a revelation by sections of the media. The lead author received a travel grant from Wyeth. Another author holds shares of some major pharmaceutical companies. This was not not unearthered through any investigative reporting; in the interest of full disclosure, this information was mentioned in the actual research paper itself (as is customary practice for all biomedical journals):

KK has received a travel grant from Wyeth. DML has received conference support from numerous pharmaceutical companies, and also holds shares in AstraZeneca, Merck, Pfizer, Dechra, and GlaxoSmithKline, and, as Enduring Attorney, manages further holdings in GlaxoSmithKline and Eco Animal Health. All other authors declare that they have no conflicts of interest… Our work was funded by EU grant LSHM-CT-2005-018705 and WellcomeTrust grant 084627/Z/08.

Obtaining travel money or external seed money does NOT preclude an author from publishing work. All papers at major scientific journals go through a rigorous peer-review process regardless of funding source. What this means is that two or more anonymous, independent scientific experts review the manuscript prior to consideration for publication. I’ll be the first to admit that this process isn’t perfect. But over 130 years, it is the process that scientists have stuck with. The due peer-review process happened for the Lancet Infectious Diseases article too.

What those screaming about “conflict-of-interest” are really implying is there is an  occurrence of a gross ethical violation that may be tantamount to the falsification of data. This is a serious unsubstantiated allegation and were those harping loudly to say this directly, they would probably face libel charges in a court of law. An easier way to get around that is to dispute the conclusions which is what the government has done by putting out the release.

What you may not know is the fact is that often the most successful scientists in medicine and biomedical research are those with stakes in companies and startups or those who receive grant-money from pharmaceutical companies. What about those that work for pharmaceutical companies? Should they be banned from ever publishing? Many of us would be out of jobs if that ever came to pass.

As an anecdote I’ll mention that at any cancer meeting, almost all the presenters mention funding sources and startups they are associated with for the sake of full disclosure. Those outside of science may be uncomfortable with this approach, but it is not sufficient to single out a particular paper in a field where it  is a common occurrence.

3) The third concern is that the conclusions will harm India’s economy. The most vehement arguments are against the final conclusion of the paper which is stated below:

Several of the UK source patients had undergone elective, including cosmetic, surgery while visiting India or Pakistan. India also provides cosmetic surgery for other Europeans and Americans, and blaNDM-1 will likely spread worldwide.

This is what it is all about, folks! This is the center of the acrimonious debate and is stated directly in the accompanying news-feature too. This is the line that UK media outlets are seizing to call for a moratorium on medical tourism and that their counterparts in India are quashing as biased. The underlying concern is that were medical tourism to get reduced then the Indian economy would get impacted. This is a valid economic concern, but irrelevant to the scientific argument regarding the concern that surgical practices might be unsafe.

With respect to this concern I agree, at least in part, with the government clarification and the viewpoint in the Indian media. The size and scale of testing (44 isolates in Chennai, 26 in Haryana, 37 in the UK, and 73 in other sites in India and Pakistan) does not warrant avoidance of all surgical treatments in India – a country of over one billion people. And the fact that some major media outlets are portraying surgery in India as unsafe is disconcerting.

However,why is a single interpretation in the discussion section being used to question the credibility of the results of the entire study? In my opinion, the proper procedure for damage control in the light of the warning sign that the paper presents is to exert caution and to heighten surveillance. Make sure the doomsday scenario doesn’t happen. So often we’ve seen wounded nationalist pride and blame-shifting, and the potential it has to turn ugly . When SARS first erupted, in order to save its economy, China hid reports so that it could deny the severity of the outbreak – an action that ended up endangering countless lives and devastating the economies of a number of East Asian countries.

By drawing the analogy I am not implying that this is what is going to happen with the NDM-1 strain. What I am saying is that I, you, or anyone else cannot claim to know the severity of a possible outbreak should it happen.  Before accepting or denying the threat possibilities shouldn’t we first try to do a proper risk assessment?

For exceptional commentary on additional points related to the unnecessary outrage, I highly recommend reading Sakshi’s and Bongopondit’s responses to some of the other relevant concerns.

Disclaimer: These are my personal views and do not necessarily represent the position of my current or former employers. I am not a physician and do not profess to offer any medical advice here. If you feel you are suffering from an infectious disease ,seek immediate medical attention.

1) Personalized College Rankings

College and university administrators like to dig up rankings that show their academic institutions in the most favorable light. Prominently displayed on websites, these rankings serve as an enticing bait for prospective students. Fortunately, the media is only happy to oblige.  As a result, you can always find a college ranking that lists your college in a position favorable compared to others.

The problem with the current scenario is that if you a student of a lesser-known academic institution such as the Mahipal Institute of Technology, you might end up spending hours on web search engines trying to find a ranking that boasts about the position of your very own MIT.

Superior Academic Analytics^TM now obviates the need to search at all! For a nominal fee, we will create a customized-ranking tailored to your specific college or department needs. Our rankings will be uploaded to a professional-looking website which will be easily accessible from search engines.

Remember that while inflated rankings may not get you your next job at McKinsey and Company, it will allow your immediate relatives to show neighbors that you’ve done well in life. And what is the point in getting an education if  it doesn’t fuel (as the popular ad mentions) neighbor’s envy and owner’s pride?

2) Credit Card Voucher Generator

Business expense reports giving you the blues? Can’t find that one receipt for the champagne and caviar lunch you had using the corporate credit card at the Ritz-Carlton? Or just interested in milking your company’s travel budget by submitting false expense bills while you’re supposed to be meeting clients?

ComPayer Technologies^TM now offers you the perfect solution. Customized credit card vouchers on heat-sensitive paper or personalized voucher letterhead. You provide the amount and then sit back and relax while our experts take care of the rest.

We can also charge your corporate credit card for fictitious amounts to our constituent companies based in the Cayman Islands. If you find a competitor who does your billing for you for a better commission, let us know. We have a price-matching guarantee. Also check with our Exchange Division for your foreign currency needs.

3) Personalized Accessories On-demand.

Business isn’t as much about giving the consumer a choice, as it is about giving him or her a perception of a choice. In an earlier marketing primer, I’ve provided ideas on how to create a market for existing products, inferior ones, and completely unnecessary ones. My consultancy named An American Company^TM will show you how to make sure that you have a ready customer-base with guidance on how to personalize accessories.

If you’re part of a company which has created a skin-cream, we will help you market it in Western countries as a tanning lotion and in South Asian ones as a fairness cream. In fact, we even recommend that you use the same appealing adjectives: “glowing,” “fresh,” and “young” in both markets.

Not convinced yet? Here is another case study. A company in the entertainment business had a sports film which they wanted to launch across South Asia. We advised the company to tailor the DVD to have alternate endings to same finale depending on whether the target was a Pakistani or an Indian cricket fan.

But we don’t just stop there. Another problem facing companies is that of products which are too successful in solving problems. These products help no one by evaporating markets. An American Company^TM will guide you in making sure your business model never becomes irrelevant. For example, we recently advised a manufacturer of dental ceramics to invest in R&D leading to dental fillings made of hard sugar candy. We also advised an organization of orthopedic surgeons to hedge their bets against improved arthritis drugs by investing in Voodoo-dolls and by backing the Chinese makers of uncomfortable shoes.

If you’re a recent management graduate who would like to work for us, please drop us your resume. Remember that everyone wants to work for An American Company^TM. We recreate ourselves to help you recreate yourself too!

© Text, 2010-2012, Anirban

There are many types of scans which are being heralded in crime detection. Some can indicate which individuals have a greater tendency to exhibit certain behaviors, such as the tendency to become aggressive. There needs to be additional studies before we can even consider using brain scans regularly for new purposes because there isn’t a clear idea about how scans correlate with criminal actions. We also know from common sense that simply because someone can be aggressive doesn’t mean that he or she is going to be a criminal. Consequently, the promise of these tools is currently greater than the utility.

fMRI brain scan

If you follow the news carefully, you may have noticed a recent firestorm of controversy over whether functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI), one of the most powerful techniques of neuroimaging, can be used as better lie detectors. Results are inconclusive so far and favor not using the technique, but the debate will not abate anytime soon.

Still, the remarkable power of neuroimaging is undeniable. A research article published last week in the prestigious American journal Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences used fMRI to record brain activity of speakers and listeners during the act of verbal communication. The article found something called neural coupling occurring during active communication. In simple terms,  brain scans showed that the listener’s brain activity mirrors that the brain activity of the speaker. Detectable neural coupling happens only when the listener understands the speaker. So, if you’re speaking in Bangla, I can act like I don’t understand a word you’re saying, but my brain will leave tell-tale signs of my bluff. Will this be useful for crime detection? Maybe not right now. For one, my guess is that we don’t really know what happens if the listener concentrates on not paying attention to the speaker.

Now, let us switch gears and focus on a corporate setting. Suppose you’re a customer given the choice between an established soft drink and a new one being tested prior to product launch. Companies now rely on focus groups, surveys, and other tests to try to gauge customer preference. These do the job, but are notoriously unreliable.

But what if you didn’t need to verbally respond? What if the company could detect your preference for their drink or a competitor’s advertisement by scanning your brain? In addition, what if the company knew exactly which part of the brain the product appealed to and could make it even more irresistible? Companies wouldn’t need full-scale roll-outs or even smaller pilot projects to determine if they had a customer-base.

That is the goal of neuromarketing and it is being heralded as the next big advance in marketing. In theory, through neuromarketing it should be possible to tailor-design products so that a customer is compelled to buy it (and in case of food products consume in large quantities). Quite a fearful thought, but I doubt that will worry shareholders of the companies as their profits soar.

Let us now break down the central requirements for successful neuromarketing. The key steps are finding out which parts of the brain are involved in making the purchasing decision by observing subjects,  feeding this data into a computer to generate a mapping template, and successfully predicting the likelihood that a naive subject will make a purchase solely by comparing his or her brain scan.

A few years ago, a landmark research study published in Neuron entitled “Neural Predictors of Purchases” showed that at least the underlying assumptions of neuromarketing are not outlandish. In those series of experiments, researchers found, quite amazingly, that there are distinct brain circuits involved in the act of shopping.

In other words, different parts of the brain get activated when you consider buying an item and during the actual purchase. And we should be able to know without asking you just by scanning your brain. At least for the data used in the study, the model is predictive. What that also means is that with a sophisticated fMRI machine it may be possible to make an informed guess about whether or not you’re likely to buy something way before you do. No need for you to be polite or to lie. Just sit back while the companies ask your brain and let your mind do the talking!

But why should we stop there? After all, a customer does need to leave the sofa, go to a computer or a brick-and-mortar shop and make a purchase. There are just too many opportunities for the customer to change his or her mind before the actual transaction is made.

There is a way to get around customer indecision, lethargy, and changes in preference and although it requires a leap in science and technology, it is definitely within the realm of the possible. I propose to call it neuroshopping and here it how it goes:

You are sitting in your living room wearing an iShop helmet device with sensors monitoring synaptic activity in various parts of your brain. These signals are being fed into a computer that has access to your bank account information. You’re watching products flash by in 3D on the Neuroshopping Network. As soon as brain scans show that you’re interested in purchasing a product, a computer makes an automatic purchase on your behalf.

Perhaps, you repent later and you return some of your purchases, but if you’re anything like I am, you’re too lazy to return even the items you don’t need or can’t afford. The company makes a profit because it has connected directly to your impulses and has reduced marketing to the simplest essence – telling you that you need something and getting you to purchase instantaneously without giving you a chance to rationalize or second-guess your decision. (Bye bye Amazon.com).

Quite honestly, as I mentioned earlier, a major stumbling block right now is the technology. A decent fMRI machine costs around one million dollars per Tesla. It also requires dedicated staff to run and costs in the hundreds of thousands of dollars every year to operate.

I was trained as a scientist, not as an engineer. But I do know a little bit about the short history of personal computers. I’ll wait for those with the “know-how” to make it happen. I keep thinking to myself: give it some time. Technology always gets cheaper.

The bottom-line is that one day that you will impulsively spend even more than you do now. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Image courtesy of Erik1980 and licensed under GDFL by the creator. If you also have time take a look at this interesting one-paragraph short story by Surekha Pillai.

© Text, 2010-2012

“Excuse me?”

“Hi, I’m trying to reach an Arabian.”

“Well, I’m sorry to disappoint you, but I am an Indian.”

“No, I mean is this the phone of Mr. An-arabian er… I’m not even going to try to pronounce your last name.”

“Ah, if you’re looking for Anirban, then yes. This is Anirban speaking.”

“Hi, I’m Betty calling about an exciting offer for a Visa credit card that will let you transfer balances from high-interest rate accounts.”

“Uhm about the offer. Well, you may very well be batty, but I’ll still decline. I already have more credit cards than I know what to do with.”

_________________

Sigh! I guess if this call had originated from a call-center in India, it probably would have been worse. Of course, I’d be able to tell from the fake accent. On the bright side that would have provided me an opportunity to immediately launch an insult-laden tirade in Hindi.

Granted, the spelling isn’t intuitive. Bengalis pronounce Anirban as On-ear-bahn and “Anirban” is neither fully Sanskritized nor Bengalified. But I’m so used to variants that are acceptable that I don’t mind anymore. North Indian friends have called me Aneer-bon. In North America, I’ll take that any day. I’ve been called many other things out here such as Aniraban, which makes me cringe, since I’m not really like the infamous mythical ruler of Lanka (well, there is nothing if there is no hope).

But seriously, how hard is it to pronounce Anirban? No, seriously. Compared to being called an Arabian, I’ll take Awnir-bahn or A-near-ban any day (not that there is anything wrong with being an Arabian if it is by birth or er… choice).

First, our names get mangled. Then to add insult to injury, we find out that there is an NFL team from Cincinnati called the Beng-uhls. For crying out loud, where do you get the gall? It isn’t West Bangle or Royal Ben-gull Tiger. Please, it is Ben-gaul and we are Bengollys or Bengolese (if you need to rhyme it with Congolese).

I’ve heard many horror stories about slaughtered Bengali names. For example, a North American was once visiting the ashram of a sage in West Bengal. The name of the mystic, Swami Nandanananda is a mouthful even by desi standards, but I’d break it down into Nandan and ananda and say it slowly. The North American devotee tried pronouncing it “Nandanandanandanandananda…” and went into an infinite loop. Or so I’ve heard. Don’t quote me.

Okay, I made it up.

Granted that Bengalis with Hindu names have a much easier time fitting in than some of our South Indian compatriots, but I’m still be hard pressed to find a Bengali in North America who hasn’t shortened his “good name” or gone with his nickname like good old Gogol in Jhumpa Lahiri’s The Namesake. Is it our fault that our parents put so much effort into finding involved names from obscure Sanskrit texts?

As for me, for now I’m going with Ani.

© Text, 2010-2012

1. Your national element is Indium (In), very malleable and soft, but not useful for building long-lasting structures.
2. You find it normal for random people to get close on buses, but find the idea that two potential life-partners be allowed to talk unsupervised before being thrust into wedlock, preposterous.
3. You expect your children to win dance, music, spelling, and math competitions every year, but don’t pay as much attention to finding out if they are really of sound mind and body.
4. You prefer actors in mythological shows who have prominent vaccination scars on their forearms.
5. Your prefer Bombay Sapphire gin for your martini over Beefeater not because it tastes better, because you don’t like the name of the latter.
6. You work for Tata Wiprosys or know someone who does.
7. You need the Supreme Court to judge whether or not two consenting adults have the right to live together outside of marriage, but are pretty sure that cheap fuel is a birthright enshrined in the Indian Constitution.
8. You frown upon those who buy “made in India” clothing in India, but not those who buy the same products  abroad.
9. You know that when a government official is asking for chai-paani he or she is not curious if you brought your hot-water bottle.
10. You use the same word for a type of dal and species of deer which likes grass more than dal.
11. The memsahibs in your country have given way to another officious class – the memosahibs.
12. You translate “mild” to what most Westerners would likely consider Dante’s Inferno on the “spicy-scale”.
13. You avoid whole-grain bread, because you prefer white over wheat(ish).
14. You would consider purchasing a soft-drink from a vending machine, but only if the coin was inserted for you by a vendor wearing a uniform and a soft baseball cap.
15. You feel India needs a “baby” vegetable such as “baby lady’s finger” because the Americans have the “baby carrot” and the Chinese have the “baby corn”.

Disclaimer: I’ve posted many of these thoughts on Twitter.

© Text, 2010-2012, Anirban

So, what options are really available in responding to a crisis through the proper use of diplomacy? Sir Humphrey Appleby gave the most brilliant exposition on diplomacy in the second episode of Yes, Minister that I’ve ever come across:

Sir Humphrey: Well, Minister, in practical terms we have the usual six options:

One: do nothing.
Two: issue a statement deploring the speech.
Three: lodge an official protest.
Four: cut off aid.
Five: break off diplomatic relations.
And six: declare war.

Hacker: Which should be it?

Sir Humphrey: Well:

If we do nothing, that means we implicitly agree with the speech.
If we issue a statement, we’ll just look foolish.
If we lodge a protest, it’ll be ignored.
We can’t cut off aid, because we don’t give them any.
If we break off diplomatic relations, then we can’t negotiate the oil rig contracts.
And if we declare war, it might just look as though we were over-reacting!

In the episode, these option were laid out with respect to a crisis created by the head of the fictitious African state of Buranda, but with a little imagination they can be made to fit most international crises.

But even this fictitious scenario can’t hold a candle to the most surreal event in the history of India-Pakistan relations. Siachen Glacier holds the dubious distinction of being the world’s highest battlefield -where more soldiers are lost on either side to the elements than to enemy fire. While reading up on how both sides got involved in this intractable conflict, I came across the following passage in the New York Times:

By the early 80′s, both armies were sending expeditions into the area, and suspicions accumulated like fresh snow. In late 1983, the Indians became convinced the Pakistanis were about to seize the glacier, [India’s] General [M.L.] Chibber said. This was inferred from intercepted communiques. If further evidence was needed, he said, it came when India sent procurers to Europe to buy cold-weather gear. They ran into Pakistanis doing the same shopping.

In other words, Indian and Pakistani military officers were shopping for high-altitude gear at the same shop at around the same time and this may have contributed to the outcome of future events.

Now, I know both countries have creative writers. I challenge them to come up with fiction resembling our warped reality.

© Text, 2010-2012, Anirban

The main character in the film, Dom Cobb, played by Leonardo DiCaprio, is a thief adept in the art of extracting thoughts from the dream-state of individuals as required by his business clients. Inception, is a film about his last assignment which requires him to do the exact opposite – to insert an idea in the mind of a young business tycoon.

At the heart of the film is a reinterpretation of the old-fashioned heist movie filled with car chases, gun-fights, and resplendent pyrotechnics. These sequences are wondrous spectacles unlike anything I’ve ever seen. In a particularly dazzling progression of scenes in the second half of the film, Nolan splices layer upon layer of difference visual sequences to Hans Zimmer’s mesmerizing soundtrack. What is most audacious about the endeavor is that these sequences are layered in the alternative reality of dreams.

On another level, Inception is a film about emotions, perception, and reality. Cobb brings a lot of emotional baggage to the table, and the film is as much about his perception of reality and the emotional bonds he shares with others as it is about the mind of the people he enters.

Finally, in order to build the framework for examining dreams, Nolan also spends a substantial amount of time in Inception building a set of rules for dream examination and extraction. While plot structure, attention to detail, and character are central to the experience, these components of the film have been dealt with in detail elsewhere. Because Inception is purported to be a thinking person’s film and because the director’s invests significant time in explaining the theoretic underpinnings of thought-capture in the film, it is constructive to examine them in detail.

How do you insert an idea into someone’s head? Let us consider the idea presented in the film first. According to the film, in order to have a successful inception of an idea, it must be planted as a “seed” or a vague notion in the subconscious and allowed to grow into a full-fledged idea. To gain access to the mind, it must be inserted when the subject has his or her guard relaxed: the best way to enter the mind of a subject is when he or she is dreaming because it is at this time that it is exceptionally vulnerable to the power of suggestion. Why can an idea not be planted through the power of suggestion in a wake subject or through hypnosis? Well, for one there would be no science-fiction blockbuster woven around this simple, yet true explanation. Nolan tries to hammer across the notion that “ideas” are “parasites” that elicit a reaction similar to an immune response in the brain. This is untrue, and there is an inherent paradox in the explanation. We know that very few behaviors, mostly associated with survival, are instinctive. However, if an idea is not innate, then by definition it has external roots and it is susceptible to the power of suggestion – dream state or otherwise. In other words, most ideas do come from outside the mind and are subject to constant modification. This paradox does not detract from the narrative, but it is worth bearing in mind.

Law enforcement officials and magicians have known for years the relative ease by which false memories can be implanted. Psychologists have studied many of the ways by which memories can be changed in alert individuals without their conscious knowledge. Recent studies have affirmed that when there is mismatch between a decision and its outcome, subjects retrospectively rationalize choices they never made in the first place. Clearly, the mind is a place ripe for tricking!

Also, as we all painfully know, the act of forgetting is also a common occurrence. For many years the general assumption was that once a memory had been consolidated and turned into part of a long-term memory system, it was maintained indefinitely. Recent research has demonstrated that even consolidated memories are susceptible to decay. Whenever a memory is retrieved, it is prone to change. In other words, every time you recall events from your childhood, you change these through reconsolidation. Over time, these events add up so you either remember incorrectly or even forget.

There are additional preconditions to the foundations of the plot. First, is the assertion that dreams influence conscious decision-making in individuals. Second, is the corollary that that the rules of conscious decision-making apply to dreams too. Both are required to believe the premise of the film, even though neither has been scientifically substantiated.

Nonetheless, setting these preconditions aside, the dreams in Inception are vivid, though for the most part, linear. Even the most creative filmmakers are constrained by the limitations of their imagination and their art. I suspect that Nolan knew that it would be foolhardy to even try to replicate an actual dream, so he broke dreams down into two fictitious components. The first is the architectural structure that is created by the thieves and somehow uploaded into the mind of the dreamer. The second is the people that populate these hollow architectural structures which he calls projections in the film. Both are ingenious devices that allow Nolan to rein in dreams so that they resemble recognizable locations such as street corners in Paris.

Nolan also uses a very early Freudian notion of deep layers of thought, which has since fallen out of favor. At one stage, Cobb perpetuates the “we only use a part of our brain” fictitious meme. His use of “subconscious” (which has no concrete scientific meaning) throughout the movie to the more commonly used “unconscious” is also likely deliberate in order to put forward the idea that there are layers below the conscious. This comes into great effect in the final act when there are layers of “subconsiousness” which can be controlled and navigated like different levels of a video game. The denouement may also leave some viewers exasperated. However, given the complexities of the plot it was one of only few resolutions logically possible.

So is Inception worth watching? Definitely. Is it rooted in the current understanding of how the mind works? No, but that should not detract from the viewing experience. Inception is a thoughtful and beautifully-shot film. In addition, how many other commercial films can claim to ask us to delve deeper into the recesses of our own minds?

© Text, 2010-2012, Anirban

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Dear Paul:

I appreciate your taking a keen interest in Indian cuisine. Contrary to Western customs, most desis do not eat samosas with a knife and a fork. I also have to warn you about the cooking DVD that you recently rented. You might be slightly disappointed when you find that Sholay does not have any recipes for curried chickpeas.

I’m sure you also know that “Hindus” refer to people and “Hindi” to the language (unless of course you’re talking about Varun Gandhi who is a Hindi who speaks Hindu).

Thanks,
Your Indian Friend

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Dear IT Colleague:

You’re making a horrible mistake. It wasn’t me that looked at those sites. I may have downloaded some programs, but I am 110% sure that this has not impacted my efficiency or that of my computer. Also, please find a small token of my gratitude in your mailbox.

Thanks,
Anxious Coworker

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Dear Isabella:

Thanks for replacing the soap in the hotel bathroom. I’m storing them and will gift to relatives when I visit India. Before I arrived I had no clue what “white ginger” was, but I certainly smelled like one at the Expo. Tomorrow please provide towels that are not white. White does not go well with my bathroom walls.

Thanks,
Hotel Guest

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Dear Client:

Thank you for your quote. I am currently lying on a beach in Maui exploring options to optimize efficiency and cost-benefit using a forward-thinking approach. I did notice that your email was tagged with “High Importance”. Obviously, I am going to drop this Mai Tai to go the nearest phone-booth to change into my superhero costume.

Warm personal regards,
Your Personal Financial Advisor

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Dear Suzanne:

The food was inedible and the service was non-existent, but because you drew a goofy face on the bill and wrote “Thanks”, go ahead and expect a 25% tip. Or maybe, I’ll tip you for the service I expect next time.

Cheers,
Customer

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Dear Coworker:

Please perform an appendectomy to remove the 5 appendices in this project proposal. I’ll only read the “the meat of your argument” anyways. Also, please pick up the landscape photo of your trip to Coney Island with a unbelievably young lady which I found next to the network color printer.

Finally, missing a spot shaving was a calculated ploy to allow you to fixate on my face instead of spooking me with your usual shifty glances. Now, I can stare at the mole on your face with a clear conscience.

Best regards,
Smarter Colleague

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To Whoever Stole My Bose in-ear Headphones:

As you know by now, I have earwax.

Happy listening!
Music-lover

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Dear Magazine-Delivery Man:

Thanks for stealing or forgetting  to deliver my copy of The Economist for 2 months. I read it on the Metro over people’s shoulders anyways.

Grateful Reader
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Dear Motivational Speaker:

I have polydipsia and polyuria which means that I drink a lot of water and go to the bathroom every fifteen minutes. So, don’t take it personally if I have to leave in the middle of your exciting talk.

Apologies in advance,
Client

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Dear Charity-worker:

I understand that raising awareness of the obesity epidemic is a wonderful cause. Can I help it by buying two boxes of glazed donuts?

Greedily yours,
Fatuous Fatso

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Dear Idiotic Acquaintance from College:

Calm down, dude! If I ignored you on Instant Messenger, I have every right to be angry if you think I am ignoring you. How were you supposed to know that I wasn’t out to lunch?

Please don’t send the following message to my work email address: “One ppl send this msg he make million doller. One not send he feel bad. Plz u send msg 2 d 15 ppls on ur list n 30 min or u died in 2010.”

Finally, I don’t have any answer to the question you posted on Facebook, namely: “Kis dufar ne mera lappy spamity se infract kiya?”

Take care,
Your Fraand

Disclaimer: I have floated some of these ideas on Twitter too. The two quotes in the last letter are actual comments.

© Text, 2010-2012, Anirban