After the resounding success of the Soul-purifying Deodorant, Vedic Dentistry, and Extrasolar Astrology – products every desi needs, I’ve decided to launch a new line of on-demand products guaranteed to make your life simpler. Not that I would personally use any of these, but I’m hoping that you need them.
1) Personalized College Rankings
College and university administrators like to dig up rankings that show their academic institutions in the most favorable light. Prominently displayed on websites, these rankings serve as an enticing bait for prospective students. Fortunately, the media is only happy to oblige. As a result, you can always find a college ranking that lists your college in a position favorable compared to others.
The problem with the current scenario is that if you a student of a lesser-known academic institution such as the Mahipal Institute of Technology, you might end up spending hours on web search engines trying to find a ranking that boasts about the position of your very own MIT.
Superior Academic AnalyticsTM now obviates the need to search at all! For a nominal fee, we will create a customized-ranking tailored to your specific college or department needs. Our rankings will be uploaded to a professional-looking website which will be easily accessible from search engines.
Remember that while inflated rankings may not get you your next job at McKinsey and Company, it will allow your immediate relatives to show neighbors that you’ve done well in life. And what is the point in getting an education if it doesn’t fuel (as the popular ad mentions) neighbor’s envy and owner’s pride?
2) Credit Card Voucher Generator
Business expense reports giving you the blues? Can’t find that one receipt for the champagne and caviar lunch you had using the corporate credit card at the Ritz-Carlton? Or just interested in milking your company’s travel budget by submitting false expense bills while you’re supposed to be meeting clients?
ComPayer TechnologiesTM now offers you the perfect solution. Customized credit card vouchers on heat-sensitive paper or personalized voucher letterhead. You provide the amount and then sit back and relax while our experts take care of the rest.
We can also charge your corporate credit card for fictitious amounts to our constituent companies based in the Cayman Islands. If you find a competitor who does your billing for you for a better commission, let us know. We have a price-matching guarantee. Also check with our Exchange Division for your foreign currency needs.
3) Personalized Accessories On-demand.
Business isn’t as much about giving the consumer a choice, as it is about giving him or her a perception of a choice. In an earlier marketing primer, I’ve provided ideas on how to create a market for existing products, inferior ones, and completely unnecessary ones. My consultancy named An American CompanyTM will show you how to make sure that you have a ready customer-base with guidance on how to personalize accessories.
If you’re part of a company which has created a skin-cream, we will help you market it in Western countries as a tanning lotion and in South Asian ones as a fairness cream. In fact, we even recommend that you use the same appealing adjectives: “glowing,” “fresh,” and “young” in both markets.
Not convinced yet? Here is another case study. A company in the entertainment business had a sports film which they wanted to launch across South Asia. We advised the company to tailor the DVD to have alternate endings to same finale depending on whether the target was a Pakistani or an Indian cricket fan.
But we don’t just stop there. Another problem facing companies is that of products which are too successful in solving problems. These products help no one by evaporating markets. An American CompanyTM will guide you in making sure your business model never becomes irrelevant. For example, we recently advised a manufacturer of dental ceramics to invest in R&D leading to dental fillings made of hard sugar candy. We also advised an organization of orthopedic surgeons to hedge their bets against improved arthritis drugs by investing in Voodoo-dolls and by backing the Chinese makers of uncomfortable shoes.
If you’re a recent management graduate who would like to work for us, please drop us your resume. Remember that everyone wants to work for An American CompanyTM. We recreate ourselves to help you recreate yourself too!
© Text, 2010-2012, Anirban